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Miriam Hill It's a good thing I went to the hair salon this past weekend. In the 2 1/2 hours it took to bleach and cut my hair, I solved some world problems. Bear with me as I explain. I think Paul Martin should take the Employment Insurance surplus and donate it to disaster relief in Central America. Now I know there are some who complain, "We should take care of the problems in our own backyard before doling money out to help foreigners." To those people I say this: Yes, Canadians should be helped, but those who are in more immediate need should be helped first, regardless of where they happened to be born. If there is a family in Scarborough, Ont., smacked in the face by the hand of bad luck, I agree they should be helped. The issue is priority though. As Nils Ling put it so eloquently in one of his TV commentaries, when we lose our compassion, we lose our right to be part of the human race. I may not always agree with Ling, but this time he hit the nail on the head. My head at this point was under a plastic shower cap. The next step is to send all the world's extreme pro-lifers, you know, the ones who justify killing abortion doctors to get their message across, down to Honduras to help with relief efforts. How could they all get there you ask? Well, Canada's got this lovely fleet of Labrador helicopters just waiting to fly into action. I mean if they're safe enough for the Canadian military, they're the obvious choice for civilians too. And if a few crash on the way or don't make it back to the land of clean hospitals, well, the Canadian government's going to buy more in a few years anyway. Lucien Bouchard and Jean Charest could be used as negotiators for the inevitable conflicts arising as people fight for badly needed food and supplies. Not only will this aid Central Americans, but it gets these politicians out of Canada so we don't have to listen to the Quebec sovereignty issue anymore. Both Bouchard and Charest are renowned for their fair, diplomatic personalities and Charest could donate his hair so a homeless infant can have a warm, curly place to sleep. Perhaps Bouchard could offer to bring some needy Central American families back with him to Quebec, but you know how those ethnic minorities affect referendum votes. With the threat of disease growing as greater numbers of bodies are discovered, there is an increased risk of death to those who are burying them. Here is Paul Bernardo's golden opportunity to get out from behind bars. If pedophiles and molesters of all sorts are sent to dispose of the bodies, prisons may become a little less crowded. The job would be done efficiently because the faster these bodies are disposed of, the lesser the risk to the lives of those burying them. I think anyone who causes intentional harm to animals or takes advantage of the elderly could be useful in this capacity too. At this point in solving the world's problems, my hair was being tousled by a woman with gel on her fingers who wanted to know how my scalp felt. Bleaching can burn like hell. I guess my thoughts on how Conrad Black and people who insist on smoking in non-smoking areas fit into this world solution will have to wait another six weeks. By then my roots will be showing and my scalp will have healed.
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